The News Heard 'Round the World

Submitted: Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Written by: Pyle Pennington

(Right) Here can be seen the global level of assassin spider infestations, as of 02-14-2006.

“The spiders bite is harmless to humans. Unless by ‘harmless,’ you mean your arms, legs, and neck exploding, in which case it’s about as harmless as a bomb up your ass,” warned a scientist, donning a suit of armor and Berretta. “The world as we know it is done for. These spiders…they’re so slender…so sexy…I can’t wait for them to try and get me…”

“Arm yourselves,” declared a scientist on the study, looking in the shadows in case an assassin spider came to attack. “An assassin spider can be seen if you look in the shadows, even though it’s only a quarter of an inch long.

It is estimated that by mid-march all of the civilized world will be at the mercy of spiders, who apparantly can swim long distances. In Panic, the top leaders and scientists of the world have gathered at the U.N. for an emergency meeting. They have surmised a plan. As a last ditch effort a team of specialists will be gathered to fight off the invasion and eventually confront the "Mother Spider," in the deepest jungle of Madagascar.

Equipped with the highest technology conceived by all of the nations involved, the team consists of an arrogant mathematician, a cowboy, two "badass" rebels, an outcast who rises to become leader, a know-it all computer nerd, and a magician.

They always hide in the shadows…always…” The scientist screamed as his neck burst apart into a blast of red and white, the assassin spider burying its fangs deep in his jugular.

A third random scientists from the everlasting supply smashed the spider to bits. “You eight-legged FREAKS!” he screamed repeatedly, hitting it with a stool. Spiders covered him and implanted eggs inside of him, alien-style. “We’re fucked…” he chocked out in his dying breath.

These suits were developed by NASA with assistance from China and the Galatic Empire. With these on, the wearer will be able to withstand up to several minutes of constant burrowing by the nasty beasts, allowing for last-minute rescues in what appeared to situations that previously had no apparent way out.

THE TEAM:

In a cleverly written script... I mean.... plan, these guys will team up, despite their differences, and will be administered unusually high levels of testosterone given weapons and set free upon the doom that threatens our very existence. How exciting!