National News; You Won't Believe it!

In what appeared to be a false alarm at Capitol Hill the other day many individuals, including eight senators and Donald Rumsfeld, were held after sensors went off declaring a chemical nerve agent was in the air. People near the scene were directed by the police into an underground parking garage across the street while what appeared to be, several "midget-esque" looking people were escorted into a limo and driven off. I was on the scene as many civilians were examined by physicians and the office building was inspected by very official looking inspectors. Everyone was relieved, and quite surprised, to hear that there were no nerve agents involved and they were free to go, but in fact it was spicy peppers that set the alarms off in the first place.

According to his neighbors, Ex-Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was cooking himself up some five alarm chili that just got out of control. It was rumored that he was preoccupied tending to his guests while watching a bootleg copy of gay-cowboy film Brokeback Mountain and got caught up in the moment, forgetting about his culinary creation. Apparently, Donald Rumsfeld, NBA all-star Karl Malone, Snoop Dogg, and The Muppets sat in awkward silence staring in disbelief at the portrayal of young cowboys in sexy stirrups. There was no reported drug use but, for reasons undisclosed to the public, everyone's brain function's ceased for a short while allowing Rumsfield's culinary culmination to flare up causing an intoxicating conflagration of the very worst kind.

Hank Mansfield, A fiscal manager in the office where the scare took place, was held by the police when the alarms sounded. We were on the scene and overheard this statement from Hank. "We all thought Osama was up to more shenanigans. Maybe it's me, but everywhere I look he's peeking at me under that shoddy turbin of his just waiting to pull off some kind scheme or evil doings. This high-tension, post-9/11 atmosphere could of been avoided if we just kicked his mountain-loving-ass in the first place. And I could of sworn I just seen Beaker and Bunsen drive off in a limo with Snoop Dogg." Mansfield was forcibly admitted to Big Oats Psychiatric Ward where he was repeatedly slapped in the face with pies until he disavowed all information concerning Muppets.

Suddenly the room grew silent in shocked disbelief. Here he can be seen attemepting a failed attempt to mind control the crowd.