(Currently at this moment, we are momentarily undergoing current, momentary, renovations...) I'm sorry for the delay ma'am but things are running against the grain.

These mother fucking middle-easterner's are out of fucking control. What the fuck is wrong with them. Just yesterday they burned down an embassy and killed two people over a cartoon portraying the Prophet Mohammed. Now Iran is on the verge of having nuclear capabilities and thirteen members of the Alqaeda have escaped from a prison in Yemen. On top of that a circus has set up shop in the Iraqi courtroom and its ringleader is Saddam Hussein. If someone doesn't step up before these radical moron's unite and put a fucking boot up all their asses we may be on the verge of the next world war.

Terry Young received a private invitation to discuss the plot behind Rocky VI with acclaimed director Ron Howard. Some argue whether Stallone has it left in him to pull off another Rocky, but we've got the behind-the-scenes info that will make critics reconsider their prior misconceptions.

In the final chapter of the classic Rocky series Stallone won't actually be doing any boxing, but instead will be training his son Wimpy McWimpleton, portrayed by Eugene Levy, to go against the fiercest competitor the ring has ever seen. NBA's Karl Mallone will be training the vicious Moustache Bigsworth, who will be played by none other than "Chairman of the Board's," Carrot Top. This guy is so badass he eats cigarettes like they were skittles. The climax involves Carrot Top and Eugene Levy teaming up to fight Chuck Norris's beard. But wait, it gets better. The tables turn and all three face off against a Megazord style Jeff Goldblum in an epic battle that will force you to shit yourself right there in public.

The long-dead king returned to the land of the living today for a rager hosted by white jewish rap stars Beastie Boys. The party was thrown as an honor to middle-eastern porn star Alotta Sahkeen, who had just recently debuted in her thirtieth DVD release of the new year. The Beastie Boys were quoted as saying, "She got us good right from the start, I'm pretty sure we all would marry her if bigamy wasn't only legal in Utah."

Elvis' return was expected, as Sahkeen had once performed for Elvis. A repayment for Elvis performing for her a few hours before. Elvis' dead ghost was not available to answer questions at the time.